SMALL TOWN CRIME WAVE 1.31.11

January 18th City of West Allis
Police responded to a crime in progress at the Pick N Save. Officers arrested a man caught in the act of attempting to steal a package of over-the-counter wart remover.

January 1st City of Neenah
A Ninth Street resident called police to report hearing a lot of gunshots shortly after midnight. Police determined that the noise coincided with Menasha's New Year's celebration which included fireworks.

January 22nd City of Beaver Dam
A woman on Gould Street called police because her 28-year-old son was attempting to bite her husband.

January 19th City of Waupun
Police were called to an East Brown Street residence where a woman told them her grandson was refusing to get dressed for school.

January 21st City of Beaver Dam
A woman on Bogert Street called police to report that some time that morning someone left jalapeno peppers on her vehicle.

January 18th City of Brookfield
Police questioned a 13-year-old student of Pilgrim Park Middle School after a school official reported overhearing the boy talking about explosives. The police investigation revealed the boy was talking about using explosives in a video game.

SHOW US YOUR HAIRY BACK AND WIN!

We're looking for the Hairiest Back in Northeast Wisconsin during our Hairy Back Contest at the Man Town Expo in Green Bay on Friday, February 11th. Submit your hairy back photo to Rick and Len for the chance to walk the runway and show off your MAN-MANE for a chance to win an Aesthetic Spa Package!

Click here to enter!

ON-AIR RADIOTHON AUCTION ITEMS!!!

Make sure your tune into the Rock for Kids Radiothon for Children's Hospital Thursday and Friday on the Rockin' Apple. Here's a few of the on-air auction items that you'll be able to call in and bid on. Call 877-738-5437 to bid.

The Harley Rocking Hog from Tim at Custom Craft Cabinetry. You chave until 11am to bid at 877-738-5437.

Ted Nugent signed boar's skull. Bid now at 877-738-KIDS. 877-738-5437!


Actual Green Bay city street sign created for use the week of the 2007 NFC Championship game against the Giants and the New York Avenue sign it replaced. One of only 2 in existence.(Donated by Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt) Call 877-738-KIDS to make your bid. You have until about 10am on Friday!


Scorpions autographed guitar (donated by Steve O of Action Awards) D0es not include case.


Bad Company autographed drum head donated by Ron Green of RGC Enterprises.


Joe Bonamassa autographed guitar (donated by J & R Adventures)

YOU NO LONGER NEED TO WATCH THE BEARS TO SEE WOMEN PLAY FOOTBALL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTaGWTQZ7hU

The Lingerie Football League has announced they're expanding and launching a team in Green Bay next season. But they need a name. Here's our ideas.

NAMES FOR THE NEWLY ANNOUNCED GREEN BAY LINGERIE FOOTBALL TEAM

10. The Green Bay Gazongas
9. The Green Bay Nipplies
8. The Green Bay Tundra Bunnies
7. The G-String Force
6. The Tit-le Town Tundras
5. The Wisconsin Dairy-Air
4.The Ass-waubenon Badonkadonks
3. The Green Bay Stackers
2. The Lambeau-dacious Ta-Tas
1. The Vince Lomboobies

GET YOUR WEDGIES RIGHT HERE!

What self-respecting Packers fan goes into Super Bowl week without the right music for the occasion? Get your Wedgies cds now and rock your way to the Lombardi Trophy!
Get Green and Gold classics like Welcome to the Tundra, We've Got Another Ring Comin', Green Bay Pack City, Green and Gold Rhapsody, Packanoid, NFL Star, Lair of the Pack and more!
To order, send a check or money order made out to Len Nelson to:
Len Nelson
WAPL
P.O. Box 1519
Appleton, WI 54912

Cds are $5 each or both for $9 and that includes shipping and handling.
GO PACK GO!

ONE CRAZY MOFO RETURNS TO THE RICK AND LEN SHOW!

The hysterical Rob Little returns to the Rick and Len Show (and Skyline Comedy Cafe) tomorrow! That's right/ Wednesday! Deal with it!!!

He'll be here at 8am.

You can see Rob at Skyline this week, Wednesday through Saturday. Thursday night is WAPL Night with 2 for 1 admission. Call 920-724-JOKE (5653) to make your reservations.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZYiIc5_bV0

TOUCHDOWN!

This is Jessica Szohr, the Gossip Girl star who is reportedly dating Aaron Rodgers. It's good to be a Super Bowl QB!

GREEN BAY-PITTSBURGH--LET'S COMPARE!

GREEN BAY
NEW Zoo is home to thousands of creatures and critters.
PITTSBURGH
So is Troy Polamalu's hair.

PITTSBURGH
Heinz Field is approximately 1.49 million square feet.
GREEN BAY
Roughly the same as Tom Milbourn's head.

PITTSBURGH
Is home to the Pittsburgh Opera, the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra, the Carnegie Museum of Art and the Andy Warhol Museum.
GREEN BAY
Pretty soon we'll have Elvis' favorite roller coaster!

PITTSBURGH
The downtown area is known as "The Golden Triangle".
GREEN BAY
So is a portion of Tammy Elliot's anatomy.

GREEN BAY
The Resch Center has served as home to numerous wrestling bouts.
PITTSBURGH
So has Ben Roethlisberger's bedroom.

PITTSBURGH
According to statistics about 13% of residents of Allegheny County are essentially illiterate.
GREEN BAY
Just the headline writers for the Green Bay Press Gazette.

APRON, (YES, APRON) SIGNED BY 10+ PACKERS INCLUDING AARON RODGERS JUST ADDED TO E-BAY AUCTION FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL

Click here to bid on the e-Bay auction items for the Rock for Kids Radiothon including a just added apron signed by a bunch of Packers during a celebrity cook-off in 2008, including Aaron Rodgers, Bandon Jackson, Cullen Jenkins and more!

FYI: As far as bidding goes, the signed Ted Nugent items and signed Packers items are getting their asses kicked by the items signed by Justin Bieber's girlfriend. Seriously! I AM SO ASHAMED!

REASONS JAY CUTLER LEFT THE GAME

REASONS JAY CUTLER LEFT THE GAME IN THE 3RD QUARTER.

10. Those big, nasty men in the green, white and yellow kept trying to knock him down.

9. Had just got word Hot Topic had one day only sale on Twilight brand man-scara.

8. Had tickets to four-o-clock showing of the new Ashton Kutcher movie.

7. All that running around and throwing the ball thing was getting kind of, you know...boring.

6. Broke a nail.

5. Was still nauseous from watching that American Idol guy perform at half time.

4. Worked all season to develop that world class, sidelines pout. Wasn't going to let it go to waste.

3. Learned Terry Bradshaw was at the game not Carrie Bradshaw and was so depressed he wasn’t going to get to talk about fashion with the chick from Sex and the City, he just couldn’t continue.

2. Had to pick up Speaker of the House John Boehner for their weekly Weepers Anonymous meeting.

1. Had to go to the training room to get vinegar IV in order to maintain status as world class douchebag.

THE OTHER NON-PACKER FOOTBALL HIGHLIGHT FROM THE WEEKEND

FOOTBALL PICKS

Here's the non-Packers NFL highlight of the weekend...

Jet's QB Mark Sanchez picks his nose and wipes in on teammate Mark Brunell during yesterday's AFC Championship game.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EHtttx6P7kg

MORE ITEMS ON E-BAY FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF WISCONSIN RADIOTHON

There's more cool stuff on e-Bay you can start bidding on NOW to benefit Children's Hospital. Includes nifty Packers memorabilia, a couple spiffy Nugent items, an awesome Green Day combo and a whole bunch of other stuff you or someone you know may crave!

Click the e-Bay logo to start looking and bidding!

E-BAY FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL

Click here to check out just a few of the items you can start bidding on now to benefit Children's Hospital of Wisconsin as part of the Rock for Kids Radiothon! Much much more to be added!

IT'S SO COLD....

DAMN IT’S COLD OUT! It's as chilly as the reception Jay Cutler would get at Curley's Pub!

In fact…

It's so cold...Mel Gibson is holding a cross burning...just for the heat.

It's so cold...smokers huddled outside workplaces are setting their own butts on fire.

It's so cold...they're leaving the ice cream in the bowl while cutting State Senator Mike Ellis hair because it's warmer that way.

It's so cold...Rick is sleeping with a sheep...just for the body heat.

It's so cold...in Fond du Lac they're chiseling people off the fire hydrants.

It's so cold...Press Gazette headline writers have their heads up their butts...just to keep their ears warm!

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 1.21.11

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Weenies of the Week...The Green Bay Press Gazette. Oh, sure, we'd like to name someone from Chicago; one of the Bears, a member of their coaching staff, one of the truly talent-challenged sports columnists from either of their daily newspapers, perhaps some rabid, delusional Bear fan who truly believes Jay Cutler is an "elite" quarterback and not just some man-scara and guy-liner wearing mama's boy with an okay arm and a near debilitating personality disorder. And yet, it is impossible to ignore just how epically stupid it was for the Green Bay Press Gazette to misspell "Chicago" C-H-I-C-A-C-O in about 24 point type on the front page of their Monday edition. We get it. Mistakes happen. We all make them. Nobody's perfect. But seriously, "CHICACO" and NO ONE noticed an error that glaring in one inch high letters scrawled across the top of the front page of the paper.

So, for making an error so glaring Ray Charles could have seen it...and he's blind AND dead!

For giving Chicago an extra "C" which is two letter grades higher than anyone at the Press Gazette ever received in spelling.

And

For reinforcing what most FIB's already believe, that all Wisconsinites are illiterate, ass-scratching nimrods, when, as we all know, that only describes Gannett newspaper copy editors.

We are proud to name The Green Bay Press Gazette as this week's Rick and Len...WEENIES OF THE WEEK.

WAPL ROCK THE SCHNAAPS ON FOX 11

People seem to be noticing that The Rockin' Apple has been playing The Bears Still Suck Polka once every hour in support of the Packers and to mess with Bears fans. Here's our Len Nelson on Fox 11 News Thursday.

Packers songs flood radio airwaves: fox11online.com

T.J. MILLER JOINS US FRIDAY MORNING...AND HE HAS SOME EXPERIENCE WITH BEARS!

Comic and actor T.J. Miller will join us again Friday morning. He's appearing this week at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. He's there through Saturday. Limited tickets still available for some shows.

Call 920-734-JOKE (5653) to make your reservations!!!

T.J. played Ranger Jones in the recent Yogi the Bear movie. Check out his audition tape below! He "hired" a real bear to audition with!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnOHz1U6xNs

Make sure you tune in to find out about the unusual demands T.J. has in his contract!

UN-BEAR-ABLY BIG GAME!

WHY THIS GAME IS SO IMPORTANT.

10. If the Packers win, Green Bay gets the Viper from Great America, if they lose we have to give them the Zippin' Pippin.

9. A Bears victory means reruns of Matlock on Channel 2 would be the most watched show in Green Bay television market on Super Bowl Sunday.

8. A Bears victory over the Packers in the NFC Championship is the final sign of the apocalypse according to the Book of Revelation.

7. If the Packers win, Wisconsin gets the George Halas Trophy instead of Illinois which is better than a lousy 42 million dollars in federal high speed rail funds any day.

6. The winning team will receive a congratulatory call from the President of the United States. The losers get a creepy text from Brett Favre.

5. A Green Bay loss would mean we'd all have to put away our Packer clothing and go back to wearing just blaze orange.

4. We no longer need a number 4. We're more than happy with our number 12.

3. Jay Cutler needs big Super Bowl payday so he can afford more eye shadow.

2. Mike McCarthy has a lovely dog and nobody wants to see it get hurt.

1. Obama plans to attend the Super Bowl if the Bears are playing and as leader of the free world he should be doing more important things like looking for his birth certificate.

WHAT TO DO IN BRETT-IREMENT?

WINNECONNE PACKER FLASH MOB!

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A BEAR FAN!

YOU MIGHT BE A BEARS FAN...

If your shirt is blue and orange...and your underwear is yellow and brown...you might be a Bears fan.

If you had to take a second and third job just to afford buying new jerseys every time your team has new starting quarterback...you might be a Bears fan.

If when you hear the word Butkus, you don't first think of what you had to do to your boss to get Sunday off to go to the game...you might be a Bears fan.

If you think Jay Cutler is an "elite quarterback" which is sort of like thinking Hilary Clinton is a prime piece of ass...you might be a Bears fan.

If you thought "Sexy Rexy" was a name better suited to a quarterback than a guy who makes a living at bachelorette parties in a cop uniform and a g-string...you might be a Bears fan.

If you have a mustache just like Ditka...and you’re not currently employed as a member of the Village People or the star of many successful gay porn films...you're definitely a Bears fan.

WHO HAS THE MORE GENEROUS FANS? PACKERS OR BEARS?

We are auctioning off these two mini helmets to benefit Children's Hospital today on the Rick and Len Show. One is a Packer mini-helmet autographed by Hall of Fame Packer great Paul Hornung. The other, a mini helmet signed by Hall of Fame Bear great Gale Sayers. Call now and place your bid on either one. Call 920-281-ROCK (7625) in Appleton, 920-271-ROCK (7625) in Green Bay, 877-453-ROCK (7625) from anywhere else.

The helmets were donated by Steve Juno From Action Awards in Appleton. Steve has also donated a bunch of other cool stuff that you'll be able to bid on next week during the Rock for Kids Radiothon. Get a preview of some of those items by clicking here.

WEIRD-ASS SHEBOYGAN COUNTY MUG SHOT OF THE DAY!

THE NAME GAME.

WHAT SHOULD THEY CALL THIS SUNDAY'S PACKER BEAR GAME?

Here's some of our ideas. Not good ones. Just ideas.

10. The Shoot-out at Soldier.
9. Great Hate on a Great Lake.
8. Animosity in the NFC.
7. McCarthy's Marauders Versus Lovie's Losers.
6. The Pack Plays a Team You Should Pity in the Ol' Windy City.
5. Scorn and Derision In the NFC North Division.
4. Guys From Green Bay Verses the Midgets of the Midway.
3. The Pack Plays Some Talentless Tossers in a Stadium That Looks Like a Cheap Flying Saucer.
2. The Head On Collision On a Field in Crappy Condition.
1. The Battle on the Shores of Lake Michigan Where Matthews Will Make Jay Cutler His Bitch Again.

UN-BEAR-ABLE MISTAKE!

Spell much?

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

REASONS BEARS ARE EXCITED TO BE FACING THE PACKERS IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

10. Jay Cutler has chance of breaking record set by former Packer Brett Favre...for most tears shed by a Quarterback.

9. Chicago players secretly love The Bears Still Suck Polka know they’ll get to hear it after getting their asses handed to them.

8. Having faced Green Bay so many times in the last 7 years, most Packer players barely even giggle anymore when the Bears' coach is introduced as "Lovie".

7. Jay Cutler excited to face Tramon Williams because he loves a man who will fight to get his hands on his balls.

6. Just glad they have to face Aaron Rogers and not some Pro-Bowl quality quarterback like Matt Ryan or Michael Vick.

5. Bears are a little light on punt returners and if this game goes like the Atlanta game, they won't even have to use them.

4. Thought Falcons would be the tougher teams because the Bears have no falcon clue.

3. Having been dead 26 years, George Halas is probably kind of stiff and his Bears getting spanked by the Packers at home in the NFC championship game should be just incentive he needs to turn over in his grave.

2. Given Brian Urlacher's history of reportedly banging Paris Hilton, he'll no doubt enjoy watching another long haired blond, this one wearing the number 52, bang the hell out of his quarterback.

1. When all is said and done, they'd just rather have their asses kicked by somebody they know.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 1.14.11

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Weenie of the Week...the guy who tried to pick me (Rick) up Thursday morning on my way to work. If you missed the story, I was walking down the street at 4am when I stopped at the corner for a red light. Despite having a green light himself, the driver of a car at the intersection wildly gestured at me to go. I walked across the street, turning to give him a thankful courtesy nod, when he rolled down his window and yelled "Hey girl! Can I give you a ride somewhere?" "Hey girl?" Are you f'n kidding me? You think I'm a woman? I may not be an attractive man but even on my best day, I look worse than Brandi Favre's mug shot.

So,

For driving a car when he apparently has such poor vision, he'd be better off sliding over to the passenger seat and letting Stevie Wonder take the wheel.

For having as bad a taste in "women" as the Chicago Bears have traditionally had in quarterbacks.

And for trying to pick up people he thinks are women at 4am in the middle of January on the streets of Appleton, Wisconsin which must have a rate of success akin to that of a sturgeon spearer in the Mojave Desert.

We are proud to name the guy who tried to pick me up yesterday morning as this week's Rick and Len Show...WEENIE OF THE WEEK.

CM III - CLAY MATTHEWS SONG BY DOS GUYZ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJppP9KlWbk

TIM HARMSTON WITH RICK AND LEN

He beat 9 other comics in our area's regional competition for the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival held at the Skyline Comedy Cafe a couple months ago. Now, he's back and headlining. It's Tim Harmsten. He'll join us on the Rick and Len Show Friday morning at 8. Make your damn reservations at 902-734-JOKE (5653).

Hell, tonight is WAPL Night and you get 2 for 1 admission! (Make sure you remind them when you call!) Plus, R&L Show fave Kjell Bjorgen is also on the bill!!!!!

THERE'S METH TO FAVRE MADNESS.

NEXT FAVRE FAMILY SCANDAL

10. Sister found locked in Charlie Sheen's closet.

9. Lindsey Lohan and Amy Winehouse found in Brandi Favre's bathtub.

8. Brett appears on Dr. Phil after being found standing on side of highway with cardboard sign that reads "I have god given gift of a golden arm and have fallen on hard times".

7. Sex tape found. Which, since he's from Mississippi, requires the participation of at least one first cousin and/or barnyard animal.

6. Brett arrested shoplifting magnifying lens for camera phone.

5. Sister claims she thought meth in bathtub was just chewing gum.

4. Phone call from Deanna to Brett after she learned about his penis texts make Mel Gibson sound like Mr. Rogers.

3. After being dropped by Wrangler, Brett signs lucrative endorsement deal with Enzyte. ("This is Brett. Brett is doing well. Very well indeed. Brett realized that he could have something better in his life. And what did he get? A big boost of confidence. A little more self esteem. And a very happy misses at home".)

2. Pee Wee Herman tells tabloids Brett actually injured his shoulder giving him a hand in a movie theater.

1. Brother finds lost hikers. Tells one with "purdy mouth" to squeal.

D'OH!

Sorta safe for work video trailer for The Simpson's porn film.


http://www.aintitcool.com/node/48027

SATURDAY NIGHT (PLAYOFF) FEVER!

We're not the only ones looking forward to Saturday night's game. Here's what some celebrities will be doing for the Packer-Falcon play-off game.

CHARLIE SHEEN: Is installing a television in the closet so his hooker doesn't have to miss the game.

JULIAN ASSANGE: Will skip the game in favor of spending his time leaking the Falcon play book.

BRETT FAVRE: Will attend a tailgate party before the game where, by force of habit, he will text a picture of one of the brats to Jenn Sterger.

TIGER WOODS: Who is a big Falcon fan, will spend Saturday night Falcon some cocktail waitress.

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN BOEHNER: Will attend the game where he will keep both teams hydrated by weeping into their water buckets.

THE OCTOMOM: Is planning to attend the game, just in case the teams need an extra tunnel to run out of.

ARIZONA SHOOTER JARED LEE LOUGHNER: Will spend Saturday night working to make his case that he is not mentally competent by watching something else because you’d have to be crazy to miss this game.

RICHARD SIMMONS: Will spend the game slathering his testicles in Wesson oil while imagining it's his balls slipping through James Jones' fingers.

TIME SAVER

THINGS MIKE MCCARTHY IS SAVING THAT TIME OUT FOR THAT HE DIDN'T USE AT THE END OF THE FIRST HALF.

10. Was planning to use it to prolong a post play-off victory boink with Mrs. McCarthy.

9. May call it during a broadcast of Mike McCarthy Show when Larry McCarren starts getting too "handsy".

8. Hoping he can use it to get some sun during second half of blow out against Atlanta.

7. Is planning to use it during the off-season to take a break from co-authoring the book Time Clock Management for Dummies with Bret Bielema.

6. Wanted to save it to use getting a rabies shot just in case the decision not to use it came back to bite him in the ass.

5. Will use it at a later date when he needs time to slip out and pick up more butter for James Jones' fingers.

4. There is no Number 4. James Jones dropped it.

3. Is giving it to the Bears just in case one of their assistant coaches wants to call it an inopportune time.

2. Is saving it in case they make it to the Super Bowl, so he has time to call Brett Favre and say "na na na na na".

1. Is planning to sell it on the black market to some other NFL coach who actually knows how to use it.

SMALL TOWN CRIME WAVE 1.10.11

January 6th City of Stevens Point
Two people were arrested after an argument at China Wok. A 22-year-old man who was dining at the restaurant reported that a 27-year-old woman threw water on him, hit his head with a glass yu7man and his friend were making derogatory comments about the waitresses and when she told them to stop, the man hit her in the head with a fortune cookie and called her a "stinky bitch".

December 26th City of Green Bay
Police responded to a report from a Hubbard Street residence where an intruder had broken in, stole about a $1000 in merchandise, watched TV and cooked and ate a frozen pizza.

December 22nd City of Green Bay
An officer who found a man lying near the entrance of Anderson, Tackman & Company on Cherry Street with open intoxicants, gave the man the choice of receiving a citation or relinquishing his 11 remaining cans of beer. The man chose to take the citation.

January 3rd City of Beaver Dam
A male Pizza Hut delivery driver reported that a 20-year-old man on South Lincoln Avenue came to the door naked to get his pizza, and then invited the driver to return to the residence after he was done working.

December 13th City of Neenah
A Higgins Avenue woman reported that her husband left their house to go for a walk about 8pm and had not returned by 11:30pm. Policed located the man about 1am at a tavern. He was OK and declined a ride home.

January 6th city of Shawano
Police were called to Wal-Mart where a man who was passing out CDs to shoppers suddenly changed his mind and wanted them all back.

January 4th City of Portage
An Associated Bank employee called police to report someone had two carnation flowers were duct-taped to the outside of a door to a storage room.


December 29th City of Brookfield
Police were called to Brookfield Central High School where a 14-year-old boy was allegedly throwing candy at a basketball game.

December 29th City of Greenfield
A South 69th Street resident called police to report that during the night or early that morning, someone had thrown two hot dogs on their driveway.

GHOSTBUSTERS 3: STAYPUFT TAKES THE BIG EASY! PART 4

Still more of Staypuft's Big Easy Adventure...


Staypuft narrowly avoids getting toasted during the Christmas Eve bonfires on the levees.


Staypuft gets in a sticky situation with local law enforcement.


Staypuft shares a drink with a fellow traveler.


Staypuft with New Orelans music superstar Trombone Shorty who is nominated for 3 2011 Grammy Awards.


Staypuft on stage performing with Glen David Andrews.

WEENIE OF THE WEEK 1.7.11

We are proud to name as this week's Rick and Len Weenie of the Week...a highly intoxicated woman who early Saturday morning, flagged down a cop on Main Street in Winneconne and asked him to give her a ride to Omro. The officer refused and instead, drove the woman to her home. Once at her home, the woman called 911 to ask for a cop to take her to Omro. An officer went to her home to tell her to stop calling 911 unless she had a real emergency. The drunken woman responded by calling 911 FIVE more times to ask for a ride to Omro.

So,

For being more persistent than a porn star's herpes.

For calling 911 more frequently than Zsa Zsa Gabor calls Life Alert.

And for dialing 911 so many times she's lucky they didn't take her to jail...couldn't be any worse than going to Omro.

We are proud to name the Winneconne woman who kept calling 911 to get a ride to Omro as this week's Rick and Len Show...WEENIE OF THE WEEK!

CHINAMAN WOKS THE LINE WITH RICK AND LEN!

Chinaman returns for another visit with Rick and Len this morning. Don't miss him tonight or tomorrow night at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. Chinaman usually sells out, so don't wait to make your reservations at 920-734-JOKE (5653).


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0y_-iqAiro

GHOSTBUSTERS 3: STAYPUFT TAKES THE BIG EASY! PART 3

Staypuft's adventures in New Orleans continue...


Staypuft proves he likes both wieners...


...and breasts!


In search of more breasts, Staypuft finds a real deer in front of the Hustler Barely Legal Club.


While chatting with the deer, the gentlemen with the fur coat and gold teeth photo-bombed Staypuft, jumping into the pic. However, I understand he offered to help Staypuft get in a little hot water with a Swiss Miss for fifty bucks!

SPECIAL S.T.DELIVERY!

A website has just begun offering e-cards to send to your hook-ups after you've been diagnosed with an STD. I recently came to the conclusion that writing sympathy cards has to be one of the worst jobs in the world. However, writing, "I may have given you an sexually transmitted disease" cards may be right up my alley. Here's some of my efforts...

It was sure nice to see ya.
Now you got gonorrhea.

-or-

Guess I should have gotten rid-a-ya.
Before you contracted my Chlamydia.

-or-

I hope you enjoyed our time together.
I hope you liked the sex.
And I hope you don't wait too long
To cash in this gift certificate for Valtrex.

-or-

Better stop wearing those Daisy Dukes
And your really short shorts.
Unless you want folks to start noticing
Your newly contracted genital warts.

-or-

I’m sure you've heard of infamous woman
Known as Typhoid Mary.
Well, you better get a shot.
Before you go down in history as syphilis Larry.

-or-

Had a great time with you
Just the other day
We performed like two dancers
In some erotic ballet.
We parted happy and smiling
Our clothes in disarray.
But now my crotch has more crabs
Than a Red Lobster buffet.

-or-

I’ve got some news for you
I had a blood test.
And to be perfectly honest
The results were not the best.
But on the bright side,
You’ll never forget our time together here in Wisconsin
And you now have something in common with basketball great Magic Johnson.

-or-

Our passion lit a fire.
The flames rising high as a tree.
Our lust ignited an inferno
Like it was a thousand degrees.
Our body's smoldered together.
The blaze engulfed both you and me
Which is why you shouldn’t be surprised when it starts to burn when you pee.

GHOSTBUSTERS 3: STAYPUFT TAKES THE BIG EASY! PART 2

Staypuft's adventures in New Orleans continue...



Staypuft tries the mac and cheese, some gator sausage and a local delicacy: a burger topped with peanut butter and a mound of bacon and slathered with mayo. When your insides are already corn syrup, gelatin and eggs, it's pretty pointless to worry about what you eat.


Staypuft has a Christmas Eve three-way with a couple local bartenders (or as he calls it, a menage a mallow!) You know what they say? Once you go Puft, you'll love getting stuffed!



They wouldn't have needed a whole carload of this stuff if Staypuft had just washed hands between the burger and the three-way.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER DIE TOGETHER

As you've probably heard, thousands of birds dropped from the sky, dead late New Years Eve and early New Years morning. What caused it. Nobody knows. (However, it does bear some similarities to the plot of last season's failed ABC series Flash Forward.)

Here's our list of:

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE KILLED ALL THOSE BIRDS.

10. Shot by Dick Cheney who mistook them for an old man's face.

9. Simply, died of embarrassment when revealed to be Chicago Bear fans.

8. Don’t really know but can anybody tell me if OJ was in Arkansas this weekend?

Took their own lives rather than live long enough to watch last night’s premier of Paula Abdul's new Live to Dance show on FOX.

Were killed by their bookies when they didn't pay up after the Badgers failed to cover the spread.

5. Just didn't want to go on living if Brett Favre wasn't going to play football anymore.

4. Encountered Ozzy Osbourne with a really bad case of the munchies.

3. Lifetime of eating brats and fried cheese curds finally caught up with them.

2. Shot by Green Bay Police who swear they thought the birds had a gun.

1. Not sure but Democrats are blaming Bush, the Republicans are blaming Obama and the Tea Partiers are demanding to see the birds' birth certificates.

GHOSTBUSTERS 3: STAYPUFT TAKES THE BIG EASY! PART 1

Before departing for New Orleans, where I spent Christmas, I abducted the Staypuft Marshmallow Man from the desk of the Afternoon Road Show's John Jordan. I'll post a 2 or 3 photos of Staypuft's New Orleans adventure each of the next few days.



Staypuft enjoying a Bloody Mary at the airport bar before the flight. He's a nervous flyer!



Staypuft being shown his room by the bellhop. Why did he get to stay at a better hotel than I did? I stayed at a Motel 3. It's like a Motel 6 but only half as awesome!



Staypuft scamming on a chick passed out in the hotel lobby. I think he scored. It's hard to tell. He's always white and sticky!

You gotta admit, he looks like he's having a blast! -Rick-

SMALL TOWN CRIME WAVE 1.3.11

December 18th Calumet County
Police received a report that a muskrat was in the basement of a home on School Street. The caller told police the muskrat was stabbed with a screwdriver, but they wanted an officer to shoot it. Instead, the muskrat was put in a bag and taken out of town.

December 8th Town of Menasha
An off-duty officer from another community reported a vehicle that was driving recklessly through the parking lot on West American Drive, nearly striking another vehicle. He attempted to make contact with the driver, a 30-year-old Appleton man, who made an obscene gesture at the officer and left the parking lot, squealing his tires. Contacted later, the driver admitted to having a bad day.

December 6th Town of Menasha
Officers were called to a residence on Meadowview Drive on a report of a couple arguing over dishware and utensils.

December 11th City of Neenah
A complainant told police he was attacked while inside a tavern on Main Street and had choke marks on his neck. When police arrived, the man was gone. Others in the bar told police no altercation occurred and that the man was just intoxicated and mad about losing a game of pool.

December 16th City of Waupun
A woman on North Drummond Street called police to report someone stole her snow shovel and she thinks she knows who did it!