SURPRISING PROVISIONS IN THE HEALTH CARE BILL
10. Male patients will receive 10% discount on check-ups if they agree to get prostate examine from a doctor with fat fingers.
9. Concertgoers who sustain injuries related to moshing or head banging can only be treated by doctors named Love or Feelgood.
8. Cialis users will only be encouraged to call a doctor if their erection lasts more than FIVE hours.
7. Insurance companies will be required to recognize as doctors not just those who have attended certified medical schools but also anyone who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
6. Patients seeking a vasectomy will be given detailed instructions and a rusty toe nail clipper.
5. Instead of taking a family medical history, doctors will save time by merely smacking patients on the ass and asking "Whose your daddy?".
4. Expensive emergency room physicians will be replaced with high school phy-ed teachers who will treat patients suffering from severe chest pains by instructing them to "walk it off".
3. Before resorting to prescribing expensive drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, doctor's must first try kissing it to make it better.
2. Instead of oxygen, recovering surgical patients will be given helium which, while being no less expensive, will be far more entertaining for the nurses who will get to hear them as they cry for help in comical, high pitched voices.
1. Wisconsin division one basketball players will be encouraged to avoid choking hazards such as chicken bones, toothpicks and playing in the NCAA tourney.