SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ON THE COVER OF THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE.
If your face has more moles than a poorly maintained golf course...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If on any given day, the Golden Coral has less cottage cheese on its salad bar than you have on your thighs...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If the pores in your face are so big people think you've been hunting with Dick Cheney...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If your look has ever been refereed to as Vigoda-esque...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If your nose is more crooked than Larry McCarren's fingers...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If you’re body is more bloated than the Congressional Health Care Package...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
If two cats fighting in a sack are suing your ass for trademark infringement...you're probably not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
And if your face is more wrinkles than the late Bea Arthur's ball sack...you're definitely not going to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!
If you've ever been mistaken for Rick or Len, you're probably not going to be on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue. (unless your particular SI is Seriously Indigent)
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