JOBS FOR A JERK

After considerable prodding, Calumet County District Attorney Ken "The Prize" Kratz finally says he's going to resign. What's more, he may lose his license to practice law. Oh, what will he do? Here's some of our suggestions.

NEW JOBS FOR KEN KRATZ

10. Dunk tank clown at Calumet County Fair.

9. Mascot for Pabst Blue Ribbon since like a blue ribbon, Kratz, too is a prize.

8. Manager of the Thumb Fun Amusement Park in Door County since who knows more about fun with thumbs than a guy who texts as much as he does.

7. Facial follicle farmer who grows mustaches for gay porn stars who can't grow gay enough mustaches of their own.

6. Male prostitute satisfying sad, lonely females in the walrus enclosure at Sea World.

5. Drill site for British Petroleum since that bastard is even oiler than the gulf.

4. Script writer for a new Addams Family movie since a person who thinks taking a date to an autopsy should be able to come up with more scenarios that are equally creepy, kooky and all together ookie.

3. Demonstration model for equestrian proctology students who need to learn about horse's asses.

2. Something that requires no talent, skill or ability that can be performed by a useless jerk with no moral compass...but screw him, if he thinks we're giving up these jobs.

1. Poison Center volunteer where he can hit on women who've ingested toxins to induce vomiting.