OIL JOB!

SURPRISES IN LAST NIGHT'S OBAMA SPEECH ABOUT THE OIL SPILL

10. Spent the entire speech chain smoking Newports.

9. Announced he was putting Vince, the Shamwow guy, in charge of the clean up.

8. Challenged BP head Tony Hayward to naked oil wrestle him in the Gulf.

7. Made inappropriate joke about the size of his tar balls.

6. Admitted the reason the Gore's have split is he's banging Tipper like a cheap gong.

5. Referred repeatedly to Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh as "Sweet Lips" and "Thunder Thighs".

4. Tried to distract nation from the on-going crisis by getting Joe Biden to shoot an old man in the face.

3. Spent nearly 40 minutes giving out fast and easy recipes for petroleum soaked clams.

2. Held up an oil soaked wad of paper. Claimed it was his birth certificate.

1. Admitted "No, we cant".

OILS WELL THAT ENDS WELL

GAWKER.com found something interesting. There is a website called "Help a Reporter Out" where journalists can turn to other journalists looking for help on troublesome stories. This week, a reporter at CNN turned to the site looking for help on a story he was working on about "The Good Side of the Oil Spill". Well, isn't he Mr. Glass Half Full!. I was amused by some of the suggestions made by readers on Gawker.com and took some of their suggestions and added a few of my own to compose this list of...

THE TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE GULF OF MEXICO OIL SPILL

10. Promotes less energy use by discouraging vacations to Florida and the Gulf Coast.

9. Provides Dawn dish-washing liquid with the perfect green ad campaign.

8. Allows rainbows to occur ON the ocean, rather than above it.

7. Orthodox Jews will be less tempted to eat shrimp.

6. Will save scientists indexing and cataloging all the species living in the gulf a lot of time.

5. Increased bird viscosity for maximum performance!

4. One good hurricane and nothing on the gulf coast is going to squeak or rust for years.

3. Finally some great porn quality photos for oil-covered sea-lion fetishists.

2. Providing much needed lubrication for gay pelicans.

1. If the oil continues to flow, it could cover the entire ocean, killing off all marine life eventually leading to the to the extinction of man saving us from having to ever again watch CNN.