So, a few days ago I told you about the website awkwardfamilyphotos.com. Well, I've become obsessed with the above photo from the site. I know very little about the photo other than these people are REALLY excited to be having their photo taken with everyone's favorite celebrity murderer.
For a couple days, I had the picture set as the background wallpaper on the computer I use in the studio. However, I had to take it off because I couldn't stop staring at it. I want to know more about these people. From their facial expressions, I just get the feeling each and everyone of them has a story. I feel like I could write a novel and populate it with these people. Allow me to describe who I think these folks are.
I'd say the woman in the front, in the yellowish coat is a 3rd grade teacher at a parochial school. She likes to think that despite her job, she's a wild party chick. In reality, one Zima and she's out for the count.
I don't know anything about the guy with the beard, but he's needed back at the '60's mad scientist movie he wandered out of, pronto! I just hope those are his own sunglasses he's wearing, because if he's just in the process of returning them to O.J.'s ex-wife, they might as well start measuring him for a body bag now.
The woman with the curly hair, glasses and questionable dental work, closet to O.J., is a 61 year old retired hotel maid who has harbored a latent desire for a little "jungle love" since she sprouted her first pube and is using this, her first time close to a black man to "get a little of the strange". She may look like somebody's grandmother, but while everybody else is smiling because they are saying "cheese", she's smiling because, on the down low, she's grinding her inflamed lady parts against The Juice's built-in juice maker.
The guy in the cap, over O.J.'s left shoulder, isn't with the rest of these people. He was just going door to door to inform people that he's moved into their neighborhood, as the judge required, saw a crowd and wandered over to see if he could find any pre-pubescent boys with sweet tooths who could keep a secret.
The guy in the back wearing the Stetson-like hat is barely aware he's being photographed. He's too busy hoping to himself that people think the hat makes him look enough like Indiana Jones that they won't guess that he has a tiny penis.
The three guys in front of the hat guy, blue and yellow coat guy, Jim Carrey teeth guy and red shirt guy, just stumbled upon this scene when their Pride Parade took a wrong turn when someone got wind of a lube sale at the local Manhole Toy Emporium.
The girl in front of O.J., in a black coat with suspiciously perfect teeth is obviously a space alien. A pretty space alien. But a space alien, non-the-less. She and her saucer have just landed and she was dispatched to find a suitable subject for a good old fashioned anal probing. From the look on the face of the kid in front of her, she's found her man. Apparently, she gave him his first beer to make it hurt less.
I'm not sure what the deal is with the girl to anal boy's left, but despite her powder blue fleece jacket, I'm pretty sure she's really into leather. When you look at the photo it appears that she's looking right at you. Why? Because she is! And she's thinking about how much she'd like to make you eat a bug!
The girl on the extreme left of the photo, in light blue but out of focus is my favorite. I don't know what to say about her except I love her. Even blurry, she looks like she's sweet, personable, funny and a wild cat in the sack. Maybe it's just because most of the women I fall in love with look blurry, mainly because it usually only happens while I'm in an alcohol induced haze.
Finally, there's the guy to O.J.'s right, pointing at The Juice and making a face. He's just a douchebag.
Of course, these are all just my crazed impressions. As I say, I don't really know anything about these people but there's just something about this photo that makes me feel like I do. I'm sure they are, in reality, all fine, decent, upstanding folks. Well, fine, decent, upstanding folks who enjoy being photographed with a murderer! --Rick McNeal--
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