GANG-NABBITY!

This week, area law enforcement authorities addressed concerns about a report that came out back in Novemeber that claimed that northeast Wisconsin was a hotbed of "gang activitiy". Are they kidding? Perhaps they're not familiar with these active area gangs.

RECENT AREA GANG ACTIVITY

The Menasha Polish Kings. Federal investigators believe that over the last 9 years they have been responsible for at least a half dozen "sudsings" of the downtown fountain.

The Little Chute Dutch Disciples. Have been known to enter public buildings in large, unruly groups and surreptitiously scuff their floors by traipsing across them while wearing their bad-ass wooden shoes.

The blood enemies of the Dutch Disciples, the Kaukauna Cripes. Cripes hey, they can be recognized by the distinctive clothes pins they wear on their noses. While they have yet to commit a serious crime, undercover members of the Heart of the Valley Gang Taskforce have it on good authority that the members have been stealing old ratty underwear from people's garbage and storing it with the intent of sneaking into Little Chute and hanging it from the windmill should the windmill ever actually get built.

The Oshkosh area chapter of the Knights of Columbus. During last year's presidential campaign, this gang of middle aged catholic men stole Obama yard signs from outside three different homes before feeling guilty and returning them before anybody noticed.

The Shiocton Farm Boys. Federal authorities believe they are responsible for as many as 63% of all Outagamie County cow tippings since 1997.

Troop 541 of the Girl Scouts of America based in Sobiske. The Brown County Gang Enforcement Division have identified them as being responsible for dozens of sightings of members wearing their distinctive Kelly green colors while ringing area doorbells, armed with Thin Mints, Carmel Delights and Do Si Dos and threatening the diets of god fearing area residents.

The Fond du Lac Yellow River Mafia. These notoriously weak bladdered miscreants don't spray paint gang signs on buildings but rather, have their own means of marking their territory on sidewalks throughout the downtown. The infamous Puddles McCoy was ousted from his leadership position last year after a sex scandal that erupted within the gangs ranks after McCoy's name was left on Portland Avenue written in his own urine but in another male gang member's handwriting.