JAY WALKING!

REASONS JAY CUTLER CALLED OFF HIS UPCOMING WEDDING TO MTV STAR KRISTIN CAVALLARI

10. Caught her wearing his mascara.

9. Couldn't walk all the way down the aisle without re-injuring knee.

8. They couldn't decide on a gown...or which one would get to wear it.

7. Found out that unlike the team he plays for, she doesn't suck.

6. Was afraid people would see him cry in church which wouldn't be manly the way it is on a football field.

5. He couldn't find a garter in Bears' colors and his size.

4. Realized they weren't really compatible when he learned she has a vagina.

3. Only store they could register at was Bed Bath and Beyond All Comprehension Why This Guy is a Starting NFL Quarterback.

2. While they didn't know what they were going to receive that was "something old, something new or something borrowed" the something "blew" was what he did to his team's chances of winning the 2011 NFC Championship game.

1. What? Jay Cutler quit on something. Say it ain'’t so. Next thing you’re going to be telling me is Amy Winehouse didn't die of natural causes!

NFL: NATIONAL FOOTBALL LIMBO

STICKING POINTS THAT ARE HOLDING UP THE NFL'S COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENT.

10. Teams want the establishment of lottery system to decide order in which players get to bang the next available Kardashian sister.

9. Players Association opposed to new "Three strikes and you're out rule" which would require Brett Favre to actually stay retired after third retirement.

8. Minnesota Vikings demanding to be allowed to change title of "Quarterback" to "Guy who hands ball to Adrian Petersen".

7. All players want cut of profits from new flavor of Gatorade made from Jay Cutler's and T.O.'s tears.

6. Packers demanding additional health care benefits to cover any hernias sustained lifting their hands while wearing those ginormous Super Bowl rings.

5. Teams demanding Player Association pay part of cost of psychiatric care for next owner crazy enough to sign Randy Moss.

4. After spending summer vacationing in France, Chad Ochocinco wants to be allowed to change name to Chad Quatre-Vingt-Cinq.

3. Super Bowl organizers must agree to replace crappy half-time show with something all fans will enjoy...like slowly feeding Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones into an enormous meat grinder.

2. Players want owners to install make-up mirrors in locker room to make it easier for their quarterback to apply his eyeliner. (Chicago Bears only)

1. Next season, Ben Rothlisberger is demanding to be allowed to rape TWO women!

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, DON'T MAKE LEMONADE UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET SHUT DOWN BY THE APPLETON P.D.

OTHER THINGS APPLETON POLICE COULD BE DOING INSTEAD OF SHUTTING DOWN LITTLE GIRLS' LEMONADE STANDS. (Like they did this weekend!)

10. Bust kids who draw chalk hopscotch grids on sidewalk for illegal graffiti.

9. Keep an eye out for children singing, humming or whistling, making sure they’ve paid proper licensing fees for their performance of any copyrighted material.

8. Impose restraining order on children playing tag requiring them to stay at least 500 feet from kid who is "it".

7. Cite kids who don't wash hands immediately after picking their noses with municipal health code violations.

6. Bring assault with a deadly weapon charges against any children caught in the act of playing dodge ball.

5. Arrest kids playing cops and robbers for impersonating a police officer.

4. Call FBI to report four kids playing marbles for conspiracy to gamble.

3. Be on the look out for children who’ve violated city recycling statutes by using wastepaper to make airplanes.

2. Issue citations for practicing medicine without a license to any children found playing "doctor".

1. Charge children who step on cracks with assault for breaking their mothers' backs.

WIENER OF THE WEEK!

Well, Congressman Anthony Wiener finally admitted the the crotch shot he sent to some woman on Twitter was, in fact, his. This after a week long "investigation" by Wiener to find out if the crotch in the picture was his. As suspicious as that sounds, you have to understand that it was very hard, er, difficult for him to recognize his junk without his testicles which were removed when he joined the Democratic party.

The whole story has made me realize that with all wieners looking like

WAYS TO MAKE YOUR WIENER EASIER FOR YOU TO IDENTIFY

10. Dress it up in a nice jaunty hat.

9. Paint it red and white to look more patriotic when paired with your blue balls.

8. Let your cats use it as a scratching post.

7. Get one of them big white birds like Beretta and let him perch on it.

6. Draw a face on it which will make it both easier to identify and put on delightful puppet shows.

5. Attach a white flag to it. This will not only make it easier for you to identify. It will also make you look French.

4. You can keep the purple helmet, but have the number 4 removed to clear up any confusion.

3. Hang a white cane and tin cup from it after putting a patch over it's one eye.
2. Tie a string around it which will also serve a subtle reminder to "Hey, don't take picture of this and Tweet it to impressionable girls".

1. Slather it in mustard and put it in a bun which while making it easier to identify will also make it riskier to attend baseball games and Ricky Martin barbecues.

THOR LOSERS!

A new paper by Brown University Department of History researchers attempts to explain why The Viking's disappeared. They claim it was a result of climate change. We have our own ideas...ten to be exact.

THE TOP TEN REASONS THE VIKINGS DISAPPEARED

10. Tribal council failed to approve bonding referendum to build them a new coliseum even after the old one was damaged by heavy snow as a punishment from the gods.

9. One of their elders was accused of sending etchings of his horn to unknowing maiden.

8. Many lost interest in raping and plundering after no longer being allowed to bring in out-of-state talent for their debauched longboat parties.

7. Incompetent guidance from their leader Brad the Bald.

6. Despite coming close on several occasions, could never pillage the big one.

5. Under-utilized their greatest warrior Adrian the Fast while relying too heavily on aging Brett Graybeard.

4. Left longtime ice covered homeland for warmer Valhalla like land called Los Angeles.

3. Spent too much time sacking port cities of the North Atlantic instead of opposing quarterbacks.

2. Same reason all the other barbarian tribes vanished...couldn’t reach Collective Pillaging Agreement.

1. Could no longer stand being viciously plundered twice a year by superior tribe just 275 miles to their east.

OSAMA BIN SPANKIN'

Friday, it was revealed that U.S. Special Forces have uncovered Osama bin-Laden's personal porn stash! Obviously, everybody wants to know, "What movies was he watching"? We'll here's the top ten:

PORN FILMS THEY FOUND AT BIN-LADEN'S

10. Debbie Does Islamabad
9. Big Burqua Beauties
8. Brokeback Camel Boy
7. Djibouti Call
6. Sects in the City
5. Abottabad to My Bone
4. Hot Mecca MILFS: Mullas I'd Like to F....ornicate
3. Jihad? Gee Hard!
2. Tailiban-gers
1. Deep Goat!

TOP TEN THINGS OSAMA DID ON HIS FIRST DAY IN HELL!

10. Helped stoke fire they're using to heat up the infinite supply of white hot pokers they’ll be sticking up is butt.

9. Had private parts slathered with gravy before being sent out to walk Satan's pit bulls.

8. Watched dinner being prepared by hell's chefs Ed Gein and Jeff Dahmer.

8. Polished chair on the right hand of Satan reserved for Dick Cheney.

7. Killed some time watching Hitler being eternally circumcised with world's dullest knives.

6. Spent several hours working in hell's laundry room, washing and drying Satan's personal supply of Chicago Bear jerseys.

5. Tried to tune out the blood curdling sounds of millions of lost souls crying out in wretched agony only to find it was just that Miley Cyrus in concert this weekend singing Smells Like Teen Spirit. (If you haven't heard it yet, click here!)

3. Had a long chat with Nixon.

2. Reserved long johns and parka just in case Vikings should ever win a Super Bowl.

1. Desperately tried to change the radio station , but it's forever tuned to 101.1.

CHILLY WILLIE GETTING SILLY

This video of Cookie, the baby penguin giggling as he's being tickled, has gone viral this week with close to two million hits.



Now is it just me, or does the phrase "tickling the penguin" sound dirty? However, it could be a nice substitute for "chocking the chicken". Then again, so could any of these....

10. Massaging the magpie
9. Groping the grouse
8. Stroking the stork
7. Caressing the cardinal
6. Squeezing the squab
5. Rubbing the ruddy duck
4. Pinching the Finch
3. Petting the peregrine or falcon the falcon
2. Titillating the titmouse
1. Snuggling the Himalayan Snowcock

PENAL INSTITUTION

The week the Phallological Museum in Iceland, (yes, a penis museum!) added it's first human tallywacker to their collection.
Here are some other...

INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT THE PENIS MUSEUM IN ICELAND

10. The main gallery is 60 feet long...40 when it's chilly.

9. When he dies, Tommy Lee is not only giving his to the museum, he's also donating the money to build a wing big enough to display it.

8. After receiving a donation purported to be Michael Jackson's, staff proved it wasn't his since the only fingerprints on it were from adults.

7. Museum has enough room to host two balls.

6. Men visiting the exhibit on history of Jewish penis's must first remove turtlenecks.

5. Most visits to the museum last about 90 minutes. Consult your doctor is yours lasts more than 4 hours.

4. Museum does not have a café but it does have a wiener stand.

3. Admission to the museum is $10 a person but open free to members.

2. Like most of the European male visitors, the sweatshirts they sell in the gift shop are hooded.

1. His American Idol paycheck was not the only thing Ryan Seacrest blew at the museum.

TOP TEN EFFECTS OF THE POSSIBLE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN!

EFFECTS OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN

10. To pay the bills, Vice President Joe Biden will have to return to former job as professional rodeo clown.

9. Interrupted waste disposal at the National Zoo means there will be another site in DC just as full of crap as the Senate chamber.

8. Lack of funds for daily tanning will cause Majority Leader John Boehner's skin to fade from bright tangerine to a muted salmon.

7. President of the United States and most powerful man in the free world will be spotted wandering down Pennsylvania Avenue scavenging for partially smoked Newports.

6. Locked doors at Presidential Libraries will mean many of George W. Bush's favorite books could go uncolored.

5. With no one to process visa applications, terrorists will be stuck having to try to blow up planes in their own countries for a while.

4. Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson will be able to spend more time working on his pet project, digging a hole to China. (Johnson audio: "When you're in a hole, you've got to grab a shovel and start digging.")

3. With out anybody answering the 800 number hot-lines at the National Institutes of Health, there will be no one to tell you you have the wrong number when you misdial your phone sex line.

2. Delayed clinical trials and decisions on regulating new drugs and devices related to public health and safety means Americans may have to go weeks without the introduction of any new boner pills.

1. Will have to temporarily postpone invading any middle eastern countries no matter how much oil they have.

ST. PATRICK’S DAY PICK UP LINES

ST. PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP LINES

10. Hey baby, you make my shamrock shake.

9. Why don't you be like St. Patrick and drive the snake out of my pants?

8. I’m hoping to get lucky with a real blonde so would you lift up your skirt and show me if you have a pot o' gold.

7. You make my pants want to get up and Riverdance.

6. I understand you're catholic, so pull down my zipper and I'll introduce you to my holy trinity.

5. Your name must be Danny Boy, cause your pipe is calling me. (for use by straight women or gay men only!)

4. Wanna pet my Irish setter. You're making him stand at attention.

3. You make me feel like I'm the Republic of Ireland because since I started looking at you, my penis is Dublin.

2. Top of the morning. Wanna screw?

1. Forget the wearin' o' the green and let's get right to the wearin' of your ass like a hat!

FOX-DISH DISPUTE TOP TEN LIST

This week, Dish Network subscribers lost FOX 11 in a dispute between WLUK's owners and the satellite provider. Most people assume it's all about money. However, I've heard that Dish Network is looking for certain non-monetary concessions from FOX 11.

DISH NETWORKS DEMANDS FROM FOX 11

10. The station must agree to no longer broadcast images of Tom Milbourn during hours when small children or Dish Network customers with low gag thresholds are watching.

9. Must agree to compensate any cable viewer whose television is damaged by their confused dog dry humping it during audition rounds of American Idol.

8. Must add 50 African-American reporters in effort to balance out the sheer, extreme ultra-whiteness of Pete Petoniak.

7. During Packer post game shows, must provide competent professional translator to inform Dish Network viewers what the hell Johnnie Gray is talking about.

6. Must make show Living With Amy more interesting by each week, having a different Green Bay Correctional Facility convicted sex offender actually live with Amy.

5. Dish Network customers who become contestants on Wheel of Fortune must be allowed to purchase vowels at 80% of the market value.

4. FOX 11 must agree to, each week, randomly draw a name of a Dish Network subscriber who will be given a chance to use a large sock of manure to try to slap that stupid, grin off Drew Smith's face.

3. Dish Network subscribers will be e-mailed the correct answers to all Jeopardy questions at least 24 hours before broadcasts so they can memorize them and look smart when watching show with non Dish Network customer friends.

2. The station must agree to cover all funeral expenses of Dish Network subscribers who die of boredom during local Packer post game show.

1. Good Day Wisconsin will no longer be allowed to call itself Good Day Wisconsin on days that clearly suck the big one. (like today!)

IT'S HARD TO GET HEAT FROM A FIRESIDE CHAT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A FIRE

SURPRISES IN LAST NIGHT'S FIRESIDE CHAT BY GOVERNOR WALKER

10. To demonstrate the direness of the state's financial situation, delivered the speech wearing only an old barrel.

9. Made a couple jokes about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in what is believed to be an attempt to land the hosting job for next year’s Golden Globes.

8. Announced plan to lure Democratic senators back to the state by promising them a free rub and tug at Appleton's Heavenly Touch Massage Parlor.

7. Delivered the speech after being carried into the Governor’s office in a large fiberglass egg.

6. Despite calling it a "fireside chat", the only thing burning was his intense man love for Senate Majority leader Scott Fitzgerald.

5. He inadvertently kept referring to the Wisconsin 14 as the Dave Clark 5.

4. Revealed the real reason he left college without a degree was an intense allergy to sheepskin.

3. Admitted that due to lack of funds, his plan to acquire an actual personality had to be put on the back burner for another two years.

2. While there was no actual fire during his "Fireside Chat", after finishing the speech he did spend about a hour toasting marshmallows over a large pile of burning union contracts.

1. He admitted for the first time that the real cause of the deficit is he bet a billion on the Steelers in the Super Bowl.

ILLINOISED!

THINGS WISCONSIN SENATE DEMOCRATS DID THIS WEEKEND WHILE HIDING IN ILLINOIS

10. Being Democrats, played rousing game of pin the tail on each other.

9. Wandered the streets wearing their new Packer Super Bowl gear just to annoy the locals.

8. Did massive amounts of blow and locked a porn star in a closet, unless, of course, I’m confusing them with Charlie Sheen.

7. Not sure, but I bet it looked like one of those Career Builder ads with a bunch of monkey's working together in an office.

6. Tried to play late night game of Truth or Dare until they realized they are politicians so none of them know what "truth" is.

5. Laid in the dark and told each other stories about scary things like ghosts, monsters and Republican State Senator Mike Ellis' hair.

4. Abandoned their Hide and Seek game to stand on the state border where they challenged their Republican colleagues to join them in Illinois during an interstate game of Red Rover. (Red Rover, Red Rover, Frank Lasee come over!)

3. Stayed up late getting the crap scared out of them watching horror films like Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and a documentary about the 2010 midterm elections.

2. Prank called Governor Walker. Asked if his refrigerator was running and if it was, would he consider replacing it with a more energy efficient model that would save the state enough money to fund the state workers' insurance plan.

1. Same thing everyone does when they visit Illinois. Pay the frickin' tolls and get P.O.d at the driving of the g-damn FIBs.

REASONS JAY CUTLER LEFT THE GAME

REASONS JAY CUTLER LEFT THE GAME IN THE 3RD QUARTER.

10. Those big, nasty men in the green, white and yellow kept trying to knock him down.

9. Had just got word Hot Topic had one day only sale on Twilight brand man-scara.

8. Had tickets to four-o-clock showing of the new Ashton Kutcher movie.

7. All that running around and throwing the ball thing was getting kind of, you know...boring.

6. Broke a nail.

5. Was still nauseous from watching that American Idol guy perform at half time.

4. Worked all season to develop that world class, sidelines pout. Wasn't going to let it go to waste.

3. Learned Terry Bradshaw was at the game not Carrie Bradshaw and was so depressed he wasn’t going to get to talk about fashion with the chick from Sex and the City, he just couldn’t continue.

2. Had to pick up Speaker of the House John Boehner for their weekly Weepers Anonymous meeting.

1. Had to go to the training room to get vinegar IV in order to maintain status as world class douchebag.

UN-BEAR-ABLY BIG GAME!

WHY THIS GAME IS SO IMPORTANT.

10. If the Packers win, Green Bay gets the Viper from Great America, if they lose we have to give them the Zippin' Pippin.

9. A Bears victory means reruns of Matlock on Channel 2 would be the most watched show in Green Bay television market on Super Bowl Sunday.

8. A Bears victory over the Packers in the NFC Championship is the final sign of the apocalypse according to the Book of Revelation.

7. If the Packers win, Wisconsin gets the George Halas Trophy instead of Illinois which is better than a lousy 42 million dollars in federal high speed rail funds any day.

6. The winning team will receive a congratulatory call from the President of the United States. The losers get a creepy text from Brett Favre.

5. A Green Bay loss would mean we'd all have to put away our Packer clothing and go back to wearing just blaze orange.

4. We no longer need a number 4. We're more than happy with our number 12.

3. Jay Cutler needs big Super Bowl payday so he can afford more eye shadow.

2. Mike McCarthy has a lovely dog and nobody wants to see it get hurt.

1. Obama plans to attend the Super Bowl if the Bears are playing and as leader of the free world he should be doing more important things like looking for his birth certificate.

THE NAME GAME.

WHAT SHOULD THEY CALL THIS SUNDAY'S PACKER BEAR GAME?

Here's some of our ideas. Not good ones. Just ideas.

10. The Shoot-out at Soldier.
9. Great Hate on a Great Lake.
8. Animosity in the NFC.
7. McCarthy's Marauders Versus Lovie's Losers.
6. The Pack Plays a Team You Should Pity in the Ol' Windy City.
5. Scorn and Derision In the NFC North Division.
4. Guys From Green Bay Verses the Midgets of the Midway.
3. The Pack Plays Some Talentless Tossers in a Stadium That Looks Like a Cheap Flying Saucer.
2. The Head On Collision On a Field in Crappy Condition.
1. The Battle on the Shores of Lake Michigan Where Matthews Will Make Jay Cutler His Bitch Again.

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

REASONS BEARS ARE EXCITED TO BE FACING THE PACKERS IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

10. Jay Cutler has chance of breaking record set by former Packer Brett Favre...for most tears shed by a Quarterback.

9. Chicago players secretly love The Bears Still Suck Polka know they’ll get to hear it after getting their asses handed to them.

8. Having faced Green Bay so many times in the last 7 years, most Packer players barely even giggle anymore when the Bears' coach is introduced as "Lovie".

7. Jay Cutler excited to face Tramon Williams because he loves a man who will fight to get his hands on his balls.

6. Just glad they have to face Aaron Rogers and not some Pro-Bowl quality quarterback like Matt Ryan or Michael Vick.

5. Bears are a little light on punt returners and if this game goes like the Atlanta game, they won't even have to use them.

4. Thought Falcons would be the tougher teams because the Bears have no falcon clue.

3. Having been dead 26 years, George Halas is probably kind of stiff and his Bears getting spanked by the Packers at home in the NFC championship game should be just incentive he needs to turn over in his grave.

2. Given Brian Urlacher's history of reportedly banging Paris Hilton, he'll no doubt enjoy watching another long haired blond, this one wearing the number 52, bang the hell out of his quarterback.

1. When all is said and done, they'd just rather have their asses kicked by somebody they know.

TIME SAVER

THINGS MIKE MCCARTHY IS SAVING THAT TIME OUT FOR THAT HE DIDN'T USE AT THE END OF THE FIRST HALF.

10. Was planning to use it to prolong a post play-off victory boink with Mrs. McCarthy.

9. May call it during a broadcast of Mike McCarthy Show when Larry McCarren starts getting too "handsy".

8. Hoping he can use it to get some sun during second half of blow out against Atlanta.

7. Is planning to use it during the off-season to take a break from co-authoring the book Time Clock Management for Dummies with Bret Bielema.

6. Wanted to save it to use getting a rabies shot just in case the decision not to use it came back to bite him in the ass.

5. Will use it at a later date when he needs time to slip out and pick up more butter for James Jones' fingers.

4. There is no Number 4. James Jones dropped it.

3. Is giving it to the Bears just in case one of their assistant coaches wants to call it an inopportune time.

2. Is saving it in case they make it to the Super Bowl, so he has time to call Brett Favre and say "na na na na na".

1. Is planning to sell it on the black market to some other NFL coach who actually knows how to use it.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER DIE TOGETHER

As you've probably heard, thousands of birds dropped from the sky, dead late New Years Eve and early New Years morning. What caused it. Nobody knows. (However, it does bear some similarities to the plot of last season's failed ABC series Flash Forward.)

Here's our list of:

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE KILLED ALL THOSE BIRDS.

10. Shot by Dick Cheney who mistook them for an old man's face.

9. Simply, died of embarrassment when revealed to be Chicago Bear fans.

8. Don’t really know but can anybody tell me if OJ was in Arkansas this weekend?

Took their own lives rather than live long enough to watch last night’s premier of Paula Abdul's new Live to Dance show on FOX.

Were killed by their bookies when they didn't pay up after the Badgers failed to cover the spread.

5. Just didn't want to go on living if Brett Favre wasn't going to play football anymore.

4. Encountered Ozzy Osbourne with a really bad case of the munchies.

3. Lifetime of eating brats and fried cheese curds finally caught up with them.

2. Shot by Green Bay Police who swear they thought the birds had a gun.

1. Not sure but Democrats are blaming Bush, the Republicans are blaming Obama and the Tea Partiers are demanding to see the birds' birth certificates.