HELL-TH CARE

SURPRISING PROVISIONS IN THE HEALTH CARE BILL

10. Male patients will receive 10% discount on check-ups if they agree to get prostate examine from a doctor with fat fingers.

9. Concertgoers who sustain injuries related to moshing or head banging can only be treated by doctors named Love or Feelgood.

8. Cialis users will only be encouraged to call a doctor if their erection lasts more than FIVE hours.

7. Insurance companies will be required to recognize as doctors not just those who have attended certified medical schools but also anyone who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

6. Patients seeking a vasectomy will be given detailed instructions and a rusty toe nail clipper.

5. Instead of taking a family medical history, doctors will save time by merely smacking patients on the ass and asking "Whose your daddy?".

4. Expensive emergency room physicians will be replaced with high school phy-ed teachers who will treat patients suffering from severe chest pains by instructing them to "walk it off".

3. Before resorting to prescribing expensive drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, doctor's must first try kissing it to make it better.

2. Instead of oxygen, recovering surgical patients will be given helium which, while being no less expensive, will be far more entertaining for the nurses who will get to hear them as they cry for help in comical, high pitched voices.

1. Wisconsin division one basketball players will be encouraged to avoid choking hazards such as chicken bones, toothpicks and playing in the NCAA tourney.

RICK ARRESTED?

Well, the results are in. And after a week of voting here at WAPL.com, I, Rick, have been chosen by you the listeners as "the most likely to be arrested in Mexico" during this year's International Incident trip. Well, screw you! I have returned without seeing the inside of a Mexican jail!

How did I do it. Well, here's the:

TOP TEN REASONS I WASN’T ARRESTED IN MEXICO

10. Just being a drunken a-hole not specifically against any Mexican laws.

9. I bought off the local authorities with a bunch of Snuggies and Slankets...or as they're known in Mexico: ponchos.

8. Peeing in the streets is totally acceptable there which is why Puerto Vallarta is known worldwide as "Fond du Lac on the Mexican Pacific".

7. Mexican police felt sorry for me after seeing my 3rd degree case of "thong burn".

6. Convinced local authorities that returning to Wisconsin and working with Len was a worse punishment than anything they could dole out.

3. Bribed the cop with items 5 and 4.

2. I was recognized by local police as a beloved American entertainer from my picture on WAPL "Feces the Clown" t-shirts. (still available by clicking here!)

1. The sheep didn't file charges.

YOU'RE MONEY, BABY!

According to a FOX 11 report, somebody in the Green Bay area has been trying to sell their 2-year-old boy on Craig's List for $800.00. We, at the Rick and Len Show, would like to make that purchase.

Better we have the kid than have him left in the hands of a lousy parent that is willing to sell him. He could live in the studio and be our intern/mascot.

What would we do with him? Glad you asked!

THINGS WE COULD DO WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD ON THE RICK AND LEN SHOW.

10. Teach him to say funny things like "ass hat" and "douchebag" which sound even funnier when a 2-year-old says them.

9. Package his dirty diapers so we can literally give away boxes of crap.

8. Stuff him in a box in the attic. Release a balloon. Get tons of free publicity from CNN.

7. Put him to work in our sweat shop cranking out more Feces the Clown t-shirts.

6. Give him away as a prize during an on-air contest. Watch our ratings in the coveted 25 to 54 convicted male sex offender demographic go even higher.

5. Put him in front of a microphone as he throws a blubbering tantrum while we take the day off and see if anyone notices the difference.

4. Teach him to use the toilet instead of going in his pants. Hope and pray that Rick learns from his example.

3. Make him listen to WIXX. Wait for social services to have us charged with mistreating a child.

2. Take him to Green Bay City Hall. Watch him tower over the mayor.

1. Give him some paper and a crayon. He's gotta be able to come up with better crap than this!