CLARENCE CLEMONS 1942-2011

We bid farewell today to The Big Man.
The yin to The Boss's yang.
Wailing on that saxophone
While Bruce played guitar and sang.

Handling that golden horn
With his enormous, but so agile hands
As Springsteen told the 10th Avenue tale
Of when the Big Man joined the band.

Clarence blew notes that sounded like release.
Like escaping from a place you didn't want to be.
They were the sound of hitting the road and going places.
The sound of leaving it all behind and being free.

Together he and Bruce took us places.
Down Thunder Road to Jungle Land
Reliving all their Glory Days
He was Born to Run with the rest of the E-Street band.

He was the last great sax man of the rock era
Which really is a bloody shame.
Then again, no one was ever going to do it better than him.
To even try would have been in vain.

So, farewell to New Jersey's "Minister of Soul".
He played with power, control and class.
And the only thing that blows harder
Is the fact that now he's passed.

SHOOT OUT IN DALLAS!

Way back at the start of the season
Aaron Rogers made his intentions clear.
He strode into the Chamber of Commerce luncheon back in August
In Stetson hat and cowboy gear.

He was confident and cocky!
No way that he'd back down.
On February 6th he knew where he'd be.
Yes, he knew that he was Dallas bound.

Around the NFL some scoffed and others chortled.
This kind of bravado from a young cowpoke was not allowed.
They chuckled that he would be so bold.
But hey, who's laughing now?

Come this Sunday, Aaron will ditch his bolo tie and spurs
In Green and Gold he'll be festooned.
But it couldn't be more of an old fashioned Texas gun fight,
If they held it at High Noon.

At his side our trusty gunslinger,
Will have his faithful pals.
Joined by Driver, Jennings, Jones and Nelson
For the Shootout at Jerry Jones' Corral.

He'll face off against another gunfighter.
The one they call Big Ben.
Who's only here because they dropped the charges,
Or he’d be locked up in the hoosegow doing 'bout 8 to 10.

And following the kick off,
The gunfire will be live.
As Aaron uses the rifle he has for an arm
And fires off a shot to number 85.

And the passes will rain down like bullets.
Aaron's aim is most always true.
While his opponents' gunfire will be neutralized.
Thanks to the likes of numbers 21 and 52.

And when the smoke clears at the end,
With Pittsburgh's dreams of number seven killed.
You can bury all their Terrible Towels
'neath a tombstone up there upon ole' Boot Hill.

And the folks down there in Dallas,
Will have seen a true gunslinger of some renown.
And let the word spread far and wide.
There's a new sheriff in this town!

11 FRICKIN' DAYS!!!!

Eleven more days until it's over
Eleven more days until it's done.
Eleven more days of these damn campaign ads.
Another day longer and I'll need a gun.

Eleven more days of name calling.
Eleven more days of bombast and bull crap.
Eleven more days of yada yada blah blah blah
From a bunch of useless saps.

Eleven more days seem like forever.
Eleven more days until the end.
Eleven more days of the Eraseboard Ranger
And Congressman McTax and Spend.

Oh sure, those names haven't been used yet
By either of those clowns.
But I'd be willing to sell them the rights.
As long as their throwing millions of bucks around.

And should we really be trusting our state's and nation's budgets
To guys who think it's best
To waste vast sums of money on commercials
That sound like a couple 4th graders fighting on the playground at recess.

And why would someone spend millions of dollars
To try to get elected to a position
That only pays back a fraction of what they spent.
It makes you question their mental condition.

It makes you wonder how great their need for power is
That they would seek the job at all.
Their egos must be really big...
Or their penises really small.

But in eleven days it will be over.
In eleven days we can go back to normal TV ads.
For things like pills to fight erectile dysfunction
And the latest feminine hygiene pads.

TV ads for things like Metamucil.
And products to treat dry and flaky heads.
For stuff like Preparation H,
For when your butt is puckered and red.

Yes, just eleven more days until we go back
To those toe fungus and talking mucus ads.
I guess now that I really think about it
The commercials for Johnson, Feingold, Barrett, Walker Kagen, Ribble and all don’t seem so frickin' bad.

THE THONG IS DEAD...LONG LIVE THE THONG!

"The thong is dead"
Cosmopolitan magazine reports.
Fallen victim to the less revealing,
lingerie called "boy shorts".

Since the 1980's, the thong,
with it's dainty French cut,
has been exciting millions of men…
and flossing even more butts.

The g-string, the t-back,
call it what you will.
The thong first found popularity
On the beaches of Brazil.

And from South America
the thong started creeping-up further north.
Which is, if nothing else,
an appropriate metaphor.

But comfort was never the reason
for a woman to wear one of those things.
That are nothing more than a couple small pieces of cloth
attached to a coarse, irritating string.

Its simple design gave many a wearer a rash
on her womanhood.
While giving even more men
a really bad case of wood.

Now, after 2 decades of proving
that less can be more.
The thong is going the way of bloomers and spats,
parachute pants and peignoirs.

So, now we bid farewell to the thong.
They'll soon be in short supply.
So, if you are a butt man,the time has come
to kiss your ass goodbye!

'TWAS THE NIGHT OF THE TIGER

'Twas about a month before Christmas
And outside his house
The world's greatest golfer was steering
Trying to get away from his spouse.

While the rest of us were nestled all snug in our beds
Elin was chasing him down the drive way, swinging a wedge at his head.
Tiger in his Escalade and Elin in a snit,
She was wielding a club and was ready to hit.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Neighbors sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
To see all the wreckage from where the world's greatest golfer had crashed.

He hit a hydrant and tree smashing his bumper and hood.
Guess he just couldn't decided between an iron and wood.
There he lay on the ground, unconscious and snoring some say
Was he really knocked out or in an Ambien haze.

Elin claimed she broke the back windows with the club
Because she was just trying to help.
But we're all pretty sure
She was taking aim at his scalp.

He was whisked off the hospital where his problem was diagnosed
He'd suffered superficial wounds and a drug overdose.
And after a few hours, Tiger was released
And able to go home to stonewall the press and police.

But the story it broke, so lively and quick,
We knew in a moment, Tiger was involved with some chicks.
More rapid than eagles his bimbos they came,
And the press whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now, Rachel! Now, Jamiee! Now, Theresa and Mindy; all seeking their glory.
On Kalika! On Julie! On Holly and Cori!
To the tabloids they dashed after both fame and some wealth
To sell their pictures and stories all promoting themself.

But Tiger spoke not a word, only posted messages on his site.
About taking time off from golf and apologizing to his wife.
This is, without a doubt, an athlete in his prime.
Because only the world's greatest golfer, could play that many holes all at one time.

THE WEATHER WOODY!

For almost two full days now,
local TV stations have been warning,
of the big impending snow storm
that should kick into high gear late Tuesday morning.

Run for your life the snow is coming!
At Channel 11, Snowstorm Allison it is called.
They flash the weather map down in the corner
In an effort to keep us all frightened and enthralled.

Some even use the beeper
to make sure that you know they're really serious.
That snow is going to fall quite hard
And winds could be real furious.

I guess you just can't blame them
'Cuz you really must admit
this is about the most excitement
a meteorologist in Green Bay gets.

Bad weather to a meteorologist
is like a fix is to a stoner.
It makes George Graphos' eyes just light right up
and Cameron Moreland has got a boner!

That's right, at NBC 26 Cameron's got a weather woody!!!
He's engorged and he's tumescent!
And over there at Channel 5,
I bet Mahoney, Miller and Justin Whats-his-nuts are all just hard as ce-ment.

Even 5's Dana Tyler and Rebecca Schuld get excited
When the air turns moist and chilly.
I bet they'd even have lump in their loins,
if they each only had a willie.

At FOX 11, Powell, Petoniack, Thut and Higgins,
have got more wood than a forest full of poplars.
And are probably having sword fights
while fondling with their Dopplers.

And over at WBAY,
the excitement for Steve Beylon and Justin Zollitsch has just begun.
And Brad Spakowitz is REALLY turned on
knowing he could see 8 to 12 inches before the night is done.

Yes, blizzard-like conditions
will always excite a weather man.
'cuz it gets their blood a flowing
right to their nether glands.

That's why we can almost forgive them
for their two days of on-air ballyhoo.
You'd also be excited
if when a storm came, so did you!