QUAIL FLU--the most apparent symptom is small, bleeding, pellet sized holes that erupt on the face and upper body. It’s contracted by getting too close to a bevy of quail…while hunting with Dick Cheney.
BEAR FLU--Symptoms include a rare respiratory condition that results in the sufferer being unable to exhale air leaving them to only suck.
COUGAR FLU--Most at risk: Ashton Kutcher.
CRAB FLU--Contracted only by coming in close personal contact with a crabs' natural habitat such as the ocean floor, tropical beaches or Lindsey Lohan's underpants.
OWL FLU--Symptoms are identical to inebriation and sometime include a mild burning sensation in the mouth and chunks of buffalo wings in your teeth. Can only be contracted at your local Hooters. (And who wouldn't want to contract that?)
GERBIL FLU--only known symptom is extreme constipation. Only known victim: Richard Gere.
DOG FLU--A potentially fatal disease that struck South East Asia in 1987 resulting in the deaths of 39 men who all died of broken necks sustained while trying to lick their own balls.
HONEY BEE FLU--It's primary symptoms are sluggishness and fatigue and is caused by exposure to excessive amounts of honey. As in, "Honey, I need you to be doing this" and "Honey, I need you to be doing that". The only known treatment is laying on the couch and watching the game while drinking no less than half a six pack of beer.
Showing posts with label swine flu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label swine flu. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
CELEBRITY SWINE
HOW THE SWINE FLU EPIDEMIC IS EFFECTING CELEBRITIES.
Paula Abdul--is more than likely protected against the virus because she almost certainly took some Tamiflu while downing everything else in the pharmacy before her weekly Idol broadcasts.
Michael Jackson--has started wearing a respiratory face mask over the respiratory face mask he already wears.
Mel Gibson--in a effort to avoid all pork products,is converting to Judaism.
Michael Phelps--to avoid the disease, is only inhaling air that has passed through a water filled cylindrical glass filtration device.
The Octomom--while not especially at risk for the Swine Flu, is nonetheless having the germs implanted in her body in hopes that the disease will bring her even more media attention.
Brett Favre--is coming back out of retirement because he knows that if the disease kills any family members during the season at least he'll have a great game.
Scarlett Johannson--is avoiding all contact with anyone who has visited Mexico in the last 6 months. At least that's why Rick assumes she hasn't answered any of his love letters.
Paula Abdul--is more than likely protected against the virus because she almost certainly took some Tamiflu while downing everything else in the pharmacy before her weekly Idol broadcasts.
Michael Jackson--has started wearing a respiratory face mask over the respiratory face mask he already wears.
Mel Gibson--in a effort to avoid all pork products,is converting to Judaism.
Michael Phelps--to avoid the disease, is only inhaling air that has passed through a water filled cylindrical glass filtration device.
The Octomom--while not especially at risk for the Swine Flu, is nonetheless having the germs implanted in her body in hopes that the disease will bring her even more media attention.
Brett Favre--is coming back out of retirement because he knows that if the disease kills any family members during the season at least he'll have a great game.
Scarlett Johannson--is avoiding all contact with anyone who has visited Mexico in the last 6 months. At least that's why Rick assumes she hasn't answered any of his love letters.
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