FLYING HIGH AT E.A.A.

LINDSEY LOHAN should be at Airventure 2010...because she could get really high without setting off her ankle bracelet.

MEL GIBSON should be at Airventure 2010...where perhaps some experienced stunt pilot could advise him how to pull his a career out of it's nosedive.

SARAH PALIN should be at Airventure 2010... to explain how every time a plane takes off it "refutiates" Newton's Law of Gravity.

THE OCTOMOM should be at Airventure 2010...because they need someplace big enough to park the Goodyear blimp. (and if the pilot could find his keys, he'd fly it out of there)

DICK CHENEY should be at Airventure 2010...because the air shows are so exciting they could give him a pulse.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON should be at Airventure 2010...because most attendees really appreciate a great set of nosecones.

PRESIDENT OBAMA should be at Airventure 2010...because listening to the loud, droning sound of the engines could help prepare him for sitting between Barbara Walters and Joy Behar during his Friday appearance on The View.

TEA PARTY FOUNDER JUSTIN PHILIPS should be at Airventure 2010...to see if it's even possible to get something off the ground that only has a right wing.

AL GORE should be at Airventure 2010...because it appears that after a "hard-landing" on Tuesday, NASCAR team owner Jack Roush is going to be okay giving that story a happy ending and as we recently learned, Al Gore loves a "happy ending"!

PUTTING THE A.A. IN E.A.A.

This weekend, Joe Balzer is appearing at the E.A.A. Airventure '09. Joe is the pilot who was busted for flying a Northwest Airlines flight from Fargo to Minneapolis while loaded back in 1990. He's now been sober for 10 years and is author of the book Flying Drunk.

As a public service, here's our list of signs your pilot might be too drunk to fly!

If he's required to check his liver because it exceeds maximum size requirements for carry on baggage...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If you find him trying to "sleep it off"...in the overhead luggage compartment...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If he makes an emergency landing just to make last call during happy hour at Hooters...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If during the pre-flight announcements he introduces his co-pilot as Captain Johnny Walker...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If he’s at 30,000 feet and can’t remember how he got there, where he's going or who peed in his pants...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If the longest he's gone all day without a drink is the 90 minutes he spent trying to stick his car keys in the 747 ignition...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.

If he personally de-ices the wings...with his breath...your pilot might be too drunk to fly.